The Child in My Heart

11:05 PM Posted by Jessica F.

It took me a long time to really face what I am going through. Only now 2 years later, I decided to be strong and realize… yes, it happened to me.

Gladly I have an awesome friend who helped and still is helping me go through these situations. It is very difficult to go through infertility and/or miscarriage when everyone around you seems to be the most fertile person in the world or simply capable of holding a baby in full term. I don’t think people see that it’s not that simple and it’s quite hard for some people to have their own full-term babies.

When we look at charts and we see the percentages, it is not that hard to know that you are not alone; for instance, 5 people out of 10* have a fertility issue. But when you look around you, the situation gets harder and harder… and harder! You turn your head, and there are families. Babies crying, sister wanting her toy from the bag and brother crying because he just fell off a bike. While their parents are saying, "Lord, give me patience!" We are actually looking at that and want to be saying, "Lord give me patience!"

Patience. Yes, we need that. This was a word I would be almost kicking the wall for. Why on earth do I need patience? It was clear to me that I needed and still need that simple word for when I see a family with a sweet little baby, not only because you want one but you remember your baby. I mean, when you have infertility issues, it seems that it doesn’t matter how many people you know, you never know someone with the same problem as you. And to be realistic, it’s true. Most people need to go to support groups because even though the chart says 5 out of 10*, it seems like it’s 1 out of all people in the world and patience is the hardest thing to find in those moments. ...Click here to continue reading this post...

And it’s even hard when infertility can cause you to lose your baby. In my case, I didn’t know I was pregnant when I miscarried. What hurts me is that I didn’t even have time to say hello, just goodbye. So many things went through my mind. I was so stunned I just could not believe that happened to me. I didn’t know how to face my reality that, yes, I had just lost a child of mine, period. I was trying to escape and doubt a so realistic fact. To be sincere, it was the only way I could get away from being sad, because the thought of losing my child was terrifying! But I am grateful that I have a friend that helped me go through the midst of it even though it was 2 years later, and this dearest friend of mine happens to be the editor of this blog, Julia Temlyn.

Dear friends who are reading this, being your miscarriage just 1 week (cell stage) or stillbirth, it was still your child that you lost. If you knew you were pregnant or not before your baby passed away, it still hurts. We don’t need to look at our child alive out of our womb to start loving them; we love them since the day we knew we were carrying them, or unfortunately, the day we lost them.

And I am going to answer your question. Yes, you are a mom. If your baby is inside, outside, or in heaven, you are and always will be his or her mother. That’s why on Mother’s Day you should be taken in consideration. To other people this may not be comprehendible, especially those who never lost a child (even though our babies are not lost, they are with the Lord). Others don’t think that a 2-week-old baby is a baby, it’s just a cell, and therefore they don’t take it in consideration. But I am sorry, they can be 2 days old, they are a baby for me. If he or she was in there for nine months don’t you think you would be having labor?

Now that I am facing head on what happened, I finally gave my baby a name. Even though I didn’t have time to know the sex, I feel strongly it was a boy. My mom knew from the get-go I was a girl and yes, she was right. And not just her, it’s a mom thing that many mothers experience. I named him Nathaniel Dominic. These two names together are very important to me, for they form a sentence when you write out their meanings. Nathaniel means "Gift from God" and Dominic means "Belonging to the Lord," and indeed my son does belong to the Lord now and I know one day I will meet him face to face; that’s why I want to keep him in my memory and alive in my heart, because he is alive in heaven.

If you are struggling like I did, not facing what actually happened, I would start with giving him or her a name; it brings them to life and it becomes more visible. If you don’t know the sex, go with what your heart is telling you. Talk to them like you would if he or she was here. Another thing that helps so much is to research about it until you feel like you've found all the answers you were looking for. All these things helped and are still helping me and I hope they help you too!

Well, don’t forget this Mother’s Day to be taken into consideration; you are a mother and that is that! The only difference is we didn’t get the chance to change diapers and to say No to candy. May is almost coming, Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We will talk again soon.

Jessica F.

*Note from the editor: The actual statistics are 1 in 8 couples. [source: National Infertility Awareness Association:]


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